Monday, August 15, 2005

Hello, I'm With Stupid

Today must have been Official Stupid Day. I woke up late which meant Trey got up late which meant he ate cold cereal in the car. Do you know what happens when you don't eat breakfast before school? You don't learn as much and therefore, you end up stupid.

I thought that I would run out to Wal-Mart after the kids' naps so we'd have something to do to break up the evening and I just so happened to need a few things anyway. On the way there, I was in the midst of two Honda hatchbacks driven by young men who were apparently owners of very small penises. They revved their engines and as the lights turned green they would lay a nice strip of rubber on the road, causing clouds of white smoke to billow from their tires. It was rush hour. How far did they get? Not very. Hands were thrown up, perhaps a gang sign or two. Did I mention that gas is around $2.75 a gallon? Do these people know what peeling out does to your gas mileage? Stupid. I pull into the zoo that is the parking lot at Wal-Mart and I'm unusually patient. I'm not sure why since I've decided to go to the ghetto Wal-Mart that's closest to my house and not the one I love which is brand new and shiny and clean and even has a place to get a pedicure. That's still an odd concept to me. "Welcome to Wal-Mart, would you like a flower on your toe today?" Regardless I wait patiently for someone to pull out of their spot so I can continue up the aisle and take the spot I've got my eye on. Guess who took it? That's right: Stupid. Does he not see that I have two small children in the car and am incapable of using my legs in the parking lot?? I ended up getting a better spot, right next to the handicapped spot so to you, Stupid, I say thanks.

Wal-Mart is always busy. I avoid it like the plague on the weekends because that's when the regular weirdos AND the weekend weirdos are there. I was hoping to only run into the regulars this time...which I did, and then some. Most of the weirdos I saw donned blue vests with a yellow smiley face button. Would someone please tell the balding guy with the shorn grey hair that a half inch braid down his back is not attractive? The gold teeth, the blonde with three inch roots, the guy who had a pinky nail longer than most women. Aaaaahhhh! Make it stop!!

Guess who won the stupid award? ME!! For going on payday. Did I really need mousse for $2.47? Maybe I could have waited a few days.


Judy said...

Okay, just so you know (and I learned this from my 8th graders when I taught), MOST guys grow long pinkie nails because that is what they use to snort coke. No joke.

Maybe we could all ride around with pop tarts in our car and throw them at the stupid people?

Beth said...

I don't know how much ours would be there, but we are paying like $1 litre. craziness....its amazing here in our town walmart is crazy everyday of the week.