Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Kid Torture

I'm a pro. I didn't even need to take any classes, it just comes naturally. It all began about seven years ago. I was so mean to my then one year old. I would force him to...(if you have a sensitive soul you may not want to read this)...eat. I know, I know. I should attend meetings or something. Food that does not come from a jar for a one year old is purely meant for torture and disdain and I can only be some kind of sadist to continue the cycle. I mean, it's been an ongoing battle torture session ever since then, although he's starting to weaken. Insert evil laugh here. I knew that if he would bend under my pressure I'd eventually have power.

I'm super SUPER mean to my other kid. I make her wear clothes she hates. Isn't that great?! Oh, and shoes and the occassional sweatshirt. I can teach you the tricks of the trade for three low monthly payments of $9.95 plus $3.95 S&H. Oh, who am I kidding? I can just tell you here but if you share these techniques with anyone be sure to give credit where credit is due. You just get some pants and put them on your kid. When she starts complaining that they're too loose (because she has an 8 inch waist, or so it seems) you tighten the adjustable waistband until there is nothing left to tighten. Button her up and voila! She'll throw herself into a fitful heap on the floor crying, "They FEEL FUNNNNEEEEE!!!! They're TOOO LOOOOOSE!!!" Oh yeah, it worked! As long as she seems to think that the pants are too loose even though they're technically a size too small and tightened to the point where there's no gap in the back, then you've won the battle of parent torture. Congratulations. For bonus points, make your child wear a sweatshirt over a long sleeve shirt when the temps reach the 40s. When she yells, "It FEEEELS FUNNNNEEEEE!!!! WAAAHHHHH" again because she was throwing such a fit and was in jeopardy of missing the bus that you didn't take the time to have her hold the sleeves of her shirt in her tiny hands while you slid the sweatshirt on, be confident that you have won the battle. You know it's a good day when one child has two meltdowns before 9am. I chose to leave the third meltdown out today: socks and shoes, but I'm confident I will be discussing that battle sometime in the near future. You may bookmark this site for future reference.

My own reward came when the multitude of moms at the bus stop looked over at Leah and I (because she couldn't walk at this point--score a point--so I was carrying her) and asked with that half frowny face, "What's wrong with Leah? Is she sad because she misses you while she's at school?"

"No, she's mad about her clothes." And then the laughter would come. Not the 'ha ha, sucks to be you' laughter but the 'oh, I've totally been there' laughter. There are a lot of torture pros out there, just be sure you take advice from a legitimite one. I'd hate for you to waste your money on someone who advises you to torture your child simply by making them watch old reruns of Alf. That's just mean.

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